So Long and Thank You

After some discussion over the last two months, the group has decided that it is time to fold. While members unanimously agreed that the support and camaraderie have been incredibly (some might say “lifesavingly!) valuable, there is no one at the moment with the time or energy resources to facilitate and manage it. A parent led group is a great thing, but a downside is that in a group of parents whose time and energy are already taxed, this can happen. Over the years however, great friendships and support networks have come out of this, and we are all the better for having shared our challenges, our triumphs, our laughter and our tears. The group wishes to thank Centretown Community Health Centre for hosting us, and all the various members who have led their time and leadership skills to keeping the group going.

For adoption information please contact the Ottawa Children’s Aid Society.

Halving Problems

December started off on the right foot with good support and story exchange among the parents in attendance. As December is the month of “holy cow where did the time go?”, I'll conserve my time and simply leave you with some teaser topics of what got discussed. If these don’t bring you back (or finally here for the first time!) in 2012 , I don’t know what will!

• independent-thinking child peeing into household vents...screw the vent shut or install a splash-back as deterrent?!
• the blending of adopted and biological families...fine tuning.
• CBC radio story talkback thoughts.
• who can really “lose it” better: parents or toddlers? our finest moments.
• neurological tics...perhaps not such a big deal after all!

In general, the ups and downs of parenting our kids..in all the guts and glory!

“A problem shared is a problem halved. a triumph shared is tripled.”

Happy holidays and I hope to see lots of new and old faces at our meeting January 5th, 2012!

Strength in Numbers

Our October meeting was attended by parents from four families, and while the attendance was modest, the participation was great. The group included a fairly new parent who is dealing with many issues that other members could very much remember and relate to. Starting a family through adoption is intense and very much a roller coaster.

Our discussion ran the gamut of acknowledging the lows and recounting the highs. Stories of attachment, doubts, breakthroughs, coping tools, accomplishments, joys, post adoption depression, and relationship remedies kept the conversations flowing.

As always, we laughed at ourselves and with each other. Who knew Pull-ups could explode?! By evening’s end everyone present left feeling heard and energized. Job done everyone!

Back to School and Back to Support

Our first meeting of the new school year was a welcome one this month. Previous attendees to the group were happy to re-connect and catch up on news of the summer. There were some new parents to the group, who were welcomed with shared stories of adoption, adjustment, hopes and fears.

As a group we talked about some topics for discussion at upcoming meetings. Together we also brainstormed ideas for raising the profile of the group in order that we might connect with more new parents who might enjoy the group.

It was agreed that a Facebook group be created, and this has since happened. It will certainly be a useful tool in reaching out to community.

As always, the meeting was a good mix of laughter, serious discussion, shared wisdom and knowledge. The next meeting was confirmed for October 6th, and we are expecting more new parents to attend.

Happy Pride 2011

As Otttawa celebrates our Pride week, I often take a moment to reflect on the amazing people in my life and all of the work that happened by the previous generations and so my lovely rainbow family could have our fabulous queer lives and legally raise our families in a place where many of our rights, including our ability to get married and adopt children are protected. And I am grateful.

I am also finally able to think clearly beyond the day-to-day demands of the daily juggle to think about what are the things that have helped me grow as a parent. My personal top LGBTQ adoptive parent strategies are:

1) Find help with life's challenges and have it on standby so its ready when you need it. Don't wait for crisis points.

2) If you are already in a crisis, don't make it worse by isolating yourself.

3) For help with both of the above, join the LGBTQ post-adoption support group and for once feel completely at ease in a group full of parents.

4) Dance as much as you can, whenever you can, especially if your bad 80's moves will entertain your child.

5) Find a great gym with child care and do all you can to be fit so you can move as fast as your child, especially in a crowded parking lot.

6) Eat meals at home as a family, pack your own lunches, and save your pennies for an occasional babysitter and quiet dinner out. Treat good babysitters like goddesses.

7) Do whatever it takes to get some sleep, especially in the early days.

8) Get your child used to trips and sleeping away from home early so you can take family trips.

9) Invite supportive queer friends over to your home, go to theirs, and generally figure out how to help each other.

10) Resist any pressure to be someone else's idea of a perfect parent and generally relax about anything which is not crucial to health or safety.

Happy Pride 2011!

Family Day Article in the Ottawa Citizen - Feb 20, 2011

I am glad to support Ottawa's LGBTQ family day celebration.
Here's the article in the Ottawa Citizen.
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/story_print.html?id=4318471&sponsor=

New Year, Better Support

Our January meeting was truly comforting for me because two new families attended and I gained nuggets from their stories which gave me new insight on my parenting. I have long thought that the smartest people are those who actively seek and offer support in our community and this was reconfirmed by an amazing, smart and enjoyable group who were willing to share a caring ear and some much-needed laughter. Many of us face incredible challenges in parenting special needs adoptive children and it is a true pleasure to witness the strength and resourcefulness of fiercely loving parents.

With appreciation,

Celeste

Looking forward to the December meeting!

I am really looking forward to our December meeting and learning from the wisdom around the table.

It's the time of the year where many families are a little more tired, overscheduled, or coughing their way through the holiday season. At our house, my lovely wife and daughter have created some kind of fire-signed Saggitarius secret society whereby they keep our home perpetually lit up with excitement, lights, and loud holiday toys which sing, bark or dance.

I enjoy all the fun too but I also struggle a bit this time of year as I think of Christmases shared with loved ones who have passed away and I probably try a little to hard to find both spiritual peace and a perfectly seasoned gluten free stuffing recipe.

And like many families created by adoption, we try to find the right balance between acknowledging our children's unique life paths and related issues and simply enjoying some quality time with our chosen family.

And I know it will all be just a bit easier after attending the GLBTQ post-adoption support group this week.

Parent-led Support Group Continues

Since my partner and I adopted a three year old daughter in April 2009, I have been purposefully learning how to parent and an important part of that process has been to participate in this group.

Our first meeting of the year was held on Oct 20th with excellent support and homemade muffins. It was a delight to be in a room full of so much queer parenting wisdom, honesty, and compassion. I echo one of the participant's comment "this is just what I needed."

If you are a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or trans family and have recently gone through the life-altering process of adopting or if you did so a long time ago are now turning a new page in your evolution as a parent, please e-mail me about joining us.

With appreciation,
Celeste

Welcome to a New Year

We're into a new year and our group continues to grow with adoptive and adoptive parents-to-be. If you'd like to be added to our mailing list, please let us know at lgbtqadoptionottawa [at] rogers [.] com .

Here's a list of topics for the remainder of the year. This are just general guidelines for discussion and we often digress and explore current issues happening in our households.

February: Attachment
The focus of this discussion will be on attachment in the adoptive family. What has helped build strong attachments with our children? We will allow discuss how each parent in an adoptive couple might experience attachment with their adoptive child(ren) to varying degrees, and vice versa in terms of the pace that children attach to their adoptive parents. In addition, we will consider difficult attachments and their impacts on adoptive parents.

March: Not-So-Closed Adoptions
The focus of this discussion will explore adoptions in which birth families are involved with our children – whether as part of a negotiated open or partially open adoption, because they have found our adoptive families or because we have reached out to them. How are these relationships negotiated? How do we decide whether our children are ready for this contact? What do we do if we aren’t ready?

April: Queering our Kids, Gender Binaries, and Parenting Parameters
The focus of this discussion will explore how adoptive couples negotiate different parenting styles within their relationships. We will also consider how gender roles come to be assigned, reinforced and challenged within our relationships. Lastly, our discussion will consider the impact of our family structure on adoptive children with no past experience of the LGBTQ community.

May: Open Forum
The topic of this meeting is being left open to allow for the inclusion of interests that emerge over the course of the year and demand a more committed timeframe for discussion.

June: Adoption Process and Post-Adoption Support
The focus of this discussion will be a discussion of the adoption options and process within the Ottawa community, as well as a discussion of the post-adoption support available to families. The discussion will be grounded in the experiences of participants and is intended as a forum in which parents-to-be can receive helpful hints, and ask questions in a safe, candid environment.

What's Coming Up: Discussion Topics

At our first meeting of the year in October, we spent some time brainstorming on the issues we'd like to cover. Here's a brief glance at our 2009-10 schedule.

November: Our Well-Being After Adoption
The focus of our discussion will be on our needs in the weeks and months after adoption – in particular, we will be discussing the importance of self-care and the impact of adoption on our well-being (mental, emotional, sexual and physical). (And where are people getting child care for date nights anyway?)

December: Speaking of the Past?
The focus of this discussion will be on how adoptive parents negotiate the past with those around them. How do we support our children in understanding their pasts when gaps exist in the information available before they joined our families? How do we deal with the curiosity of others about our children’s pasts – what do we or don’t we share, and when? How do we honour our own pasts with our children and bring them into our traditions?

January: Managing Other People’s Experience with Your Adoption
The focus of this discussion will be on exploring how other people relate to our adoptions and how we manage relationships before and after adoptions take place. How does adoption change our friendships? How has it impacted your professional life? How have you incorporated your extended family into your child’s life? How do we address the most intrusive inquiries into our private lives?

February: Attachment
The focus of this discussion will be on attachment in the adoptive family. What has helped build strong attachments with our children? We will allow discuss how each parent in an adoptive couple might experience attachment with their adoptive child(ren) to varying degrees, and vice versa in terms of the pace that children attach to their adoptive parents. In addition, we will consider difficult attachments and their impacts on adoptive parents.

March: Not-So-Closed Adoptions
The focus of this discussion will explore adoptions in which birth families are involved with our children – whether as part of a negotiated open or partially open adoption, because they have found our adoptive families or because we have reached out to them. How are these relationships negotiated? How do we decide whether our children are ready for this contact? What do we do if we aren’t ready?

April: Queering our Kids, Gender Binaries, and Parenting Parameters
The focus of this discussion will explore how adoptive couples negotiate different parenting styles within their relationships. We will also consider how gender roles come to be assigned, reinforced and challenged within our relationships. Lastly, our discussion will consider the impact of our family structure on adoptive children with no past experience of the LGBTQ community.

May: Open Forum
The topic of this meeting is being left open to allow for the inclusion of interests that emerge over the course of the year and demand a more committed timeframe for discussion.

June: Adoption Process and Post-Adoption Support
The focus of this discussion will be a discussion of the adoption options and process within the Ottawa community, as well as a discussion of the post-adoption support available to families. The discussion will be grounded in the experiences of participants and is intended as a forum in which parents-to-be can receive helpful hints, and ask questions in a safe, candid environment.

A special thank you to Jules for taking notes and writing up these descriptions.

We're Back!!!

After a long hiatus, we're please to announce that the group will be gearing up for 2009-10 beginning this October.

Our next meeting will take place on Tuesday, October 20 from 6:30 pm to 8:30 pm.

From 6:30 to 7:00 pm, it will be a social and snacks and we'll start a more formal discussion at 7:00 pm. At this October meeting, we won't have a larger guiding theme but will just decide on the spot what is of most interest to the group. We'll also put forth a brief brainstorming session on topics we'd like to cover this year.

Please note that we have a new location and time: Centretown Community Health Centre from 6:30 pm to 8:30 pm. We began looking for a new location in August and strived to keep it central. Under the work it does with LGBTQ families, Centretown Community Health Centre will be providing us a room at no charge. Thank you, Centretown!

June 16 Meeting Cancelled

Due to end of the year school activities, sporting events and other life commitments that you've let us know about, we're going to need to cancel our June meeting.

Check our blog occassionaly over the summer as we set our meeting dates and times for the fall.

Meeting #4 - Advocacy: Getting What Your Child Needs

The fourth meeting of the group took place May 19, 2009 and the theme of the evening was advocacy.

We spent a lot of time discussing the school system and how to access the supports and tools our children on a wide range of educational, behavioural, learning disability and social issues. We also shared stories of educating schools on the needs of adoptive children and those raised in LGBTQ families.

This also let to discussions on how to work with other parents and helping our kids to build strong peer networks.

Make sure to join us at our next meeting on June 16 where we'll have an open discussion to talk about whatever you want to explore.

Story in Capital Xtra

Thanks to Lara Purvis for this recent article in Capital Xtra on our Post-Adoption Support Group published May 6.

You can read Helping queer parents post-adoption: Have kids, now what? here.

It's a great summary of how this group got started and the need we're trying to fill.

Meeting #3 - Attachment and Why it Matters

The third meeting of the group took place April 21, 2009 and our theme of the evening was attachment.

After talking a little bit about attachment and why it matters, parents shared stories and ideas on how to build attachment with our kids. We talked about our frustrations and challenges, and the link between regression and attachment. We also shared our issues with one another and helped brainstorm possible solutions.

We also ate really yummy cookies.

Make sure to join us at our next meeting on May 19 where we'll talk about advocacy and ways to help you get what your kid needs.

Meeting with Ottawa Children's Aid Society

On April 9, we (Holly and Lucy) met with Robin May of Ottawa’s Children Aid Society (CAS) to discuss some of the advocacy items on our wish list from the first meeting. Here are some of the highlights:

Adoption Numbers
Last year CAS placed over 90 children for adoption. Of these, 35 were adopted to LGBTQ families. That’s nearly 1/3 of all placements. What a success!

Adoption Challenges
Right now many of the children awaiting adoptive families are larger sibling groups of 3 to 4 children and tend to be older in the 6 - 10 age range. With few families being able to adopt so many children at once, CAS is evolving their recruitment strategy.

This past year it was decided that a sibling group would have to be placed separately – 2 children in one family and 2 children in another – with the idea that there would be sibling contact. It so happened that the first sibling pair were matched with a lesbian couple, and then the second sibling pair were also matched with a lesbian couple. The two couples had agreed to sibling contact, and upon meeting one another, decided to blend their transition process.

Some times the sibling groups would meet independently with their new adoptive parents. This was alternated with all four children meeting with one set, and then the other, adoptive parents. This arrangement has formed two new families, but at the same time, one large blended family.
This model worked out well for the both the adoptive parents and kids that CAS is now actively exploring how they can place more large sibling groups this way. Internally they’re trying to match parents with other parents open to this arrangement, CAS is very interested in potential adoptive parents who come forward to them as a pair/triple willing to explore this arrangement.

Rainbow Audit
As the parents in our group had expressed many concerns about the queer cultural competency of staff and the subtle homophobia (unintentionally and unintended) in the adoption process, we felt it was important to illustrate how we may have experienced this or how it is built into the adoption process.

For example, we pointed out that questions around affection and sex may be perceived as threatening to some. While CAS may be asking these questions to gauge the health of a relationship, for many LGBTQ people these kinds of questions can be perceived as intentionally invasive, targeting and judgemental.

This past winter CAS conducted an agency wide rainbow audit. One of the outcomes of this audit was the development of a mandatory agency-wide training on LGBTQ issues in foster care and adoption. On April 21 and 22, this training took place and included a panel of LGBTQ youth in care, foster and adoptive parents who shared their stories with the entire agency.

We’ll keep you posted on any new developments as we’re planning to hold regular meetings between the Post-Adoption Group for LGBTQ Parents and CAS. If you have any questions or opinions, please feel free to comment or email.

Meeting #2 - Extended Family and Your Kids

The second meeting of the group took place March 24, 2009 and our theme of the evening was Extended Family and Your Kids.  

Current adoptive parents shared their stories on the first meetings they arranged between their parents and kids.  This included some helpful tips on how to prepare both your parents and your children.  In particular, since most of our extended families tend not to live in Ottawa we also addressed how this works when your family comes and stays with you.

We also delved into how much of our kids' history we shared with our immediate family, and why, and what the outcome of that was.  Who should know about your child's history?  What is need to know and what is nice to know?  How much or how little do you tell?  What are the differences we should consider between younger and older children?

This then led to discussions on helping your parents and extended family prepare for the needs of children who have been adopted and what to expect.

We spent some of our time together talking about our adoption processes as there are a few prospective LGBTQ adoptive parents in our group.

Make sure to join us at our next meeting on April 21 where we'll delve into attachment and why it matters. 

Ottawa Launch of Expanding Possibilities: Research and resources about LGBTTT adoption in Ontario

Please join us at an event designed to highlight the results from a unique research study exploring the experiences of LGBTTT adoptive parents and to launch some new resources for Ottawa LGBTTT parents. Including:

• A scripted reading of LGBTTT adoption stories
• Launch of a new brochure
• Learn about the Ten Oaks Project and the Around The Rainbow Project
• Learn about a new support group for LGBTTT adoptive parents and their families
• A “Prospective Parents Café” – an opportunity for those thinking of adopting to talk to other adoptive parents.
• Activities for kids and light refreshments

Sunday, March 22nd, 2:30 pm – 4:30 pm
Family Services Ottawa
312 Parkdale Avenue, Ottawa, ON

Contact Scott Anderson at: Scott_Anderson@camh.net for more information.

ALL ARE WELCOME !!!

This research was funded by the Social Services and Humanities Research Council of Canada (SSHRC) and the Lesbian Health Fund (LHF) of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association (GLMA, and conducted by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in partnership with the LGBTQ Parenting Network, Sherbourne Health Centre (SHC).

Next Meeting - March 24

The next meeting of the Post-Adoption Support Group for LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, two-spirit, queer) Parents will take place Tuesday, March 24 from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm at the Overbrook Community Centre (33 Quill St).

The topic to guide discussion will be Extended Family and Your Kids. Our discussion may cover things like:

• How to prepare for the first grandparent meeting
• Talking with your extended family about your kid(s)
• Ideas about what and what not to share regarding your child's history
• And anything else you'd like to cover

All are welcome. Light snacks and refreshments will be served. Please note that onsite child care will not be provided.

Right now, we're soliciting community-wide feedback on what LGBTQ parents would like this group to be. Please take 5 minutes to complete our online questionnaire.

For more information, please check out our blog www.lgbtqadoptionottawa.blogspot.com, email lgbtqadoptionottawa [at] rogers.com or call Holly at 613.742.5944 (note: if you don't leave a message on the machine, please assume the 13 year-old messenger failed to take your message!)